These 4 skills can help. What else?
We have already discussed the first two techniques, although they are much easier to write than put into practice, keep trying. Little by little we getting better and the right words start to appear. It’s like everything works, three steps forward and two steps back, the important thing is notice that the relationship with your kids is getting better. We should also remember that nobody is perfect and at times we are going to forget that this techniques exists, what matters is to keep trying
This time we will discuss «Describe feelings, don’t evaluate characters.» Feelings can be from our kids or our own, what is important is that when feelings are involved we must accept them. At present there are very good philosophers, or enlightened people as they are told today who talk about living in the present, everything always happens for a reason and we must accept it, etc..
While for us adults all these lessons gives us inner peace, because it helps us accept the events of life and somehow give us the patience and strength to move forward. With kids do not work that well, tell a child not to cry and he or she will cry more, tell a child not to yell and he or she will yell more. If we try to diminish the expression of their emotions, they feel more frustrated, because besides something hurts or bothers them and that is the reason they cry, now daddy or mommy do not understand what is going on.
Then what we do when our child arrives from school sad because he fought with his best friend, you can say something like ‘You should feel sad’ (remember always bite his tongue after saying this). At times, they keep talking and tell you everything that happened and why happened, and if we’re lucky our own kids can suggest ways to fix it.
When kids feel right, they’ll behave right.
Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish (How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk)
What we should not do is tell them they are weak or weeping, etc.. What is important is to understand their frustration and help them overcome it. When they feel hot or cold or hungry or sleepy or sad, we must put ourselves in their place and try to understand, it is useless to tell them they do not feel the way they feel, because we feel different, we should remember that we are two separate persons and we may feel different.
In the same way we should express our feelings when something really bothers us «It bothers me arrive home and see all shoes in the livingroom» when I say this often my kids stop what they are doing and pick up. What is the benefits if not always attainment the results I want? The outcome is that once you say what is bothering, it stop bothering that much, because you said what you thought. Quite a puzzle!
Then, the next time our kids are sad or angry we should try to describe what our kids feel, ie describe the feelings, not evaluating character and do not say things like «you’re a crybaby, boys do not cry, you are spoiled, etc.»
Gay Hendricks in his book Conscious Living puts it this way: «If you express what needs to be expressed within you, you will be happy and fulfilled. If you don’t, you won’t.» Hendricks also reminds us, «Conscious Living is the art of feeling your feelings.»
All feelings can be accepted. Certain actions must be limited.
Adele Faber & Elain Mazlish
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