These 4 skills can help. What else?
On previous articles we have talked about how describe don’t evaluate, how to solve daily events and how to better understand our kids’ feelings. This final technique has been very impressive for me since for a long time I increases accomplishments of my kids, but their response rather than been positive were negative. I don’t understand what was happening until I became aware of this last technique ‘give a realistic picture of the accomplishmente, don’t glorify the person.’ My older son enjoys drawing and the truth to his short age does it very well (proud mom), since a young age he do some drawings which we could see the effort and dedication that he had put on them.
The trouble was when he show me the drawing. Generally, I say something like this: ‘This is amazing, excellent drawing, you are a great artist’ my son look at me, then he told me that it not seem so nice and the drawing ends up in the trash. I forbidding him to throw the drawings and because of that we were able to keep some of them because he did not like his own drawing. ‘If you like it, then you keep it’ he said over and over again.
My son made it, a couple of months ago.
What this technique teach me combined with the other? ‘Say what your eyes see, bite your tongue and do not exaggerate.’ Now when any of my sons bring some of their drawings I observe carefully and say what I see and what I really like, for example ‘I like how you draw the eyes, it seems that they are looking at me’ or ‘I love the shadow you did ‘or’ I like that you decide to painted it, it seems to be real ‘or’ You decide to use red and blue, I like those colors.’ I do NOT say ‘you are a excellent artist.’ With this real compliments I give to them, my kids looks at me and says ‘It looks good’ or they smile.
On the other hand, the smallest of my kids when at school shared something, often he comes with three, one for him the other two for his siblings. The last time he came with three flashlights, I say to him, ‘How cute you always remember to bring things for your brothers.’ My son very seriously, answered me ‘not always.’ At that moment I noticed my mistake and I told him ‘I wanted say was thank you for at this time bring something for your brothers,’ he liked better and then started telling me how he had managed to bring the flashlights.
They know what the reality is on the one hand, my oldest son knows he isn’t Picasso (at least not yet) and on the other hand my youngest son does not always like or can bring extra toys for his brothers. When making a compliment to our children we should be realistic and focus on what is happening at the moment.
This is the latest of the 4 techniques, we should remember that it is important to trying until we achieve it, though sometimes the words do not come out as we expect. Let us remember: ‘Say what your eyes see, without exaggeration, recognizes the feelings and do not forget to bite your tongue.’
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